How Giving Kids Choices Can Reduce Anxiety: A Parent's Guide to Building Confidence and Emotional Regulation

Many parents are surprised when I tell them that one of the simplest ways to help an anxious child is to give them more choices. More choices must be more overwhelming, right?

In daily life children have very little in their control. Adults tell them where to go, what to do, when to do it, and how it should be done. Little feels in their control.

Anxiety often develops when children feel uncertain, overwhelmed, or out of control. While we can't eliminate every stressful situation our children face, we can help them feel more capable by increasing their sense of autonomy. Giving children appropriate choices helps them feel like they have some control over their lives, which can reduce anxiety and increase confidence.

This doesn't mean children get to make all the decisions. Parents are still responsible for setting boundaries and making important choices. Instead, the goal is to offer children meaningful opportunities to practice making decisions within a safe and supportive environment.

Why Choices Help Reduce Anxiety

When children are anxious, they often focus on what might go wrong or on things they cannot control. Offering choices shifts their attention toward what they can control.

Research has found that a sense of autonomy and control is associated with better emotional well-being and lower levels of anxiety. When children have opportunities to make decisions, they build confidence in their ability to handle challenges, solve problems, and cope with discomfort.

Over time, these small experiences help children develop resilience. Instead of waiting for someone else to solve problems for them, they begin to trust themselves.

If you’re wondering how to implement opportunities for choice and help you children find control in healthy ways (i.e. not refusing to put on their shoes) this guide is for you.

Reducing Anxiety Through Choices: A Guide for Parents

Choices for Young Children

For younger children, keep choices simple and limited. Too many options can actually increase anxiety.

Instead of:

• "What do you want to wear today?"

Try:

• "Would you like the blue shirt or the green shirt?"

Instead of:

• "It's time to leave."

Try:

• "Would you like to hop like a bunny to the car or walk holding my hand?"

Even small choices help young children feel a sense of control while still allowing parents to maintain structure and routines.

Choices for School Age Children

As children get older, they can handle more responsibility and decision-making.

Examples include:

• "Would you like to do your homework before or after dinner?"

• "Would you like to practice piano for 15 minutes now or 15 minutes later?"

• "It seems like you may need some space and time to calm down. Would you like to go for a walk or listen to some music?"

School-age children benefit from choices that help them practice planning, problem-solving, and emotional regulation while still receiving parental guidance.

Choices For Teens

Teenagers are working toward independence, making autonomy especially important.

Rather than focusing on control, focus on collaboration.

Examples include:

• "You have a really busy schedule this week. What do you think would help you manage your stress this week?"

• "Would you like to brainstorm solutions together or work on it yourself first?"

• "How would you like to organize your study schedule?"

Giving teenagers appropriate decision-making opportunities helps strengthen trust and reduces power struggles. It also prepares them for adulthood by allowing them to practice making choices while parents are still available to provide support.

When Anxiety Makes Choices Difficult

It's important to remember that anxious children sometimes struggle with decision-making. Anxiety can make children worry about making the "wrong" choice or seek constant reassurance.

If this happens, start small. Offer only two options and avoid repeatedly changing plans. Encourage your child to make a choice, reassure them that mistakes are part of learning, and help them build confidence through practice.

The goal isn't to eliminate anxiety. The goal is to help children learn that they can tolerate uncertainty and trust themselves to handle challenges.

How Therapy Can Help Children and Parents Manage Anxiety

Sometimes anxiety becomes bigger than what a family can manage on its own. Children may avoid activities, struggle at school, have frequent meltdowns, experience physical symptoms of anxiety, or become overly dependent on parents for reassurance.

Therapy can help kids develop coping skills, build emotional regulation skills, and increase confidence in their ability to navigate difficult situations. For parents, therapy can provide guidance on how to respond to anxiety without accidentally reinforcing it, while also helping parents manage the stress and worry that often comes with supporting an anxious child.

When parents learn how to balance support with opportunities for independence, children gain the confidence they need to face challenges and build resilience.

Giving children choices won't eliminate anxiety overnight, but it is one powerful way to help them develop confidence, autonomy, and trust in themselves. Sometimes the best thing we can do for an anxious child isn't solving the problem for them—it's helping them discover that they can handle it themselves.

I'm Olivia Tomfohrde, LMFT, PhD, a therapist in Eden Prairie, Minnesota, who specializes in helping parents and children navigate anxiety, ADHD, emotional regulation, and family stress. If you're feeling overwhelmed by your child's worries, behaviors, or big emotions, therapy can help you better understand what's happening and learn practical tools to support your child with confidence. Together, we can build the connection, skills, and resilience your family needs to thrive.