Why Parenting a Child with ADHD Can Be Hard on Your Marriage: Part 1
Parenting support for parents raising children with ADHD | Twin Cities therapist for parents
Many parents come to therapy when they find out their child has ADHD. This is a good thing! Therapy is very helpful in learning how to support your child and yourself as a parent.
But pretty quickly a lot of parents find that they are using a lot of their therapy session to talk about their marriage or relationship. This is not because ADHD causes relationship issues, but rather it amplifies what is already there underneath the surface.
Parenting a child with ADHD requires intentional parenting, a focus on communication, emotional regulation, and can be stressful on the family system. A lot of the parenting strategies that you use on your other children, read about in books, or that feel intuitive may not work. This can create stress on parents and exasperate relationship issues.
ADHD Can Trigger Your Own Childhood
One of the most surprising parts of parenting is how often it brings up our own childhood experiences, even the ones we think we have safely tucked away.
Maybe your child's emotional outbursts remind you of growing up in a chaotic home.
Maybe your child's struggles trigger fears that you aren't doing enough because mistakes weren't tolerated when you were young.
Maybe your partner's response sounds remarkably similar to a parent who made you feel dismissed, criticized, or unheard.
Most of this happens underneath the surface, we’re not even aware that it is happening. Our nervous system is reacting to these past experiences long before we identify what is going on.
When those old experiences are activated, our reactions often become bigger and more emotionally charged, and can impact the way we respond to our partner.
ADHD Highlights the Uneven Mental Load
Many parents also find themselves carrying the invisible work of ADHD parenting. Research has shown us that mothers often carry an invisible load of work that is not seen by others in the family but does take signficant time and energy to manage.
Someone has to schedule the appointments, communicating with teachers, research accommodations, make sure meds are being taken, remember the backpacks, field trips, and school events, along with navigating and emotional needs of everyone in the family.
When that labor isn't recognized or shared, resentment can quietly build. And overtime that resentment is hard to keep in. The parent carrying the invisible load feels alone, isolated, and burnt out every day.
ADHD Reveals Differences in How You Handle Stress
When a child has ADHD, there are more moments of chaos, unpredictability, and intense emotion. Those moments activate each parent's nervous system differently. Each parent will respond to these moments differently, because we all handle stress in different ways.
One parent may become more controlling because structure helps them feel safe.
Another may become more permissive because conflict feels overwhelming.
One parent wants to solve the problem immediately. The other needs space to think.
In reality, both parents are often trying to reduce their own stress. They're just doing it in different ways, which may cause more stress and anxiety for their partner.
A relationship where you feel the other person only adds to your stress level, is a relationship that will struggle.
Acknowledging the Impact of ADHD
Parenting a child with ADHD can put strain on the relationship, leaving some parents struggling to know how to go forward in their marriage or relationship.
ADHD impacts the relationship by:
Triggering your own childhood
Amplifying an uneven mental load
Highlighting differences in stress management
This does not mean your relationship is going to fail. Your relationship can become a source of support for handling parenting challenges together. It just means that you will need to find ways to nurture your relationship and work through the stress together.
Therapy is a great place to start. Parents can work individually in therapy to explore what is happening to them and how ADHD triggers unhelpful responses. Parents can also work together in couple’s therapy to address cracks in the foundation of their relationship, improve their communication, and learn how to be a good and supportive partner.
If this blog resonated with you, stay tuned for part 2 to learn more about why parenting a child with ADHD can be hard on the relationship and what you can do about it.
Hi! I’m Olivia, a therapist that works with parents, children, and families.
Many of the families I work with are learning how to work through stress, anxiety, parenting challenges, ADHD, and family of origin stress. If this sounds like you, reach out, I’m happy to talk about how I can support you.
I offer:
Therapy for parents in the Twin Cities
Online therapy for parents in Minnesota and Wisconsin
