Building Confidence Instead of Certainty: Helping Anxious Kids Handle the Unknown

When our kids are anxious they often want certainty. They want you to promise that the bad thing won’t happen, that they’ll get the good grade, they’ll make it onto the team, and that the pieces will fall into place the way they want them to.

It’s instinctual for parents to say, “it’ll be fine”, “you’ll do great”, “you’re going to make the team, don’t worry”, but those statements can backfire. Sometimes our kid fails a test, a friend lets them down, and they don’t make the team.

Anxiety wants certainty. Anxious kids want to know that it’s going to be okay. But you know it isn’t always going to be okay. So what do you do? How do you support your child when they’re anxious, how do you help them build the confidence to make it through uncertain times?

Why Building Confidence Is Better Than Seeking Certainty for Anxious Kids

If you have an anxious child, focus on helping them build confidence. When children are instilled with a sense of confidence they know that when scary things come up or the future is uncertain that they are equipped to handle it.

The reassurance of certainty is short-lived; it ends as soon as they realize they can’t control the outcome or when the thing they feared happens. Confidence, on the other hand, lasts. It is long-term, it offers an antidote to uncertainty and accepts the lack of control over the situation. Confidence shifts the focus away from controlling outcomes and toward controlling how we respond to them.

How Do I Build Confidence Instead of Giving Reassurance?

Parents may wonder, how do I overpower my urge to provide reassurance and build confidence, instead? You love your kids and wanting to take away their anxiety is natural. Focusing on confidence is what will really help them grow and be happy.

Teach Kids to Trust Themselves

Instead of “Don’t worry you’ll do great on the test!” try, “What can you do to prepare for the test?”

This allows your child to see that their control over how they do on the test lies with the work that they put into studying. You can offer to help them study, providing them support, but the choice to study is what is in their control.

Help Them Remember When They’ve Been Successful

Instead of “You’re going to make new friends, everyone is going to love you!” try, “You’ve made friends before. What was helpful then?”

Drawing attention to their past successes reminds them that they have handled challenges before and are equipped to handle them in the future. You can support them in combating negative self talk (i.e “I can’t do it”) with actual evidence of previous successes.

Confidence Building Starts With You

Children learn confidence by experiencing it in relationship with the adults who care for them. They don't need parents who can promise that everything will work out. They need parents who can stay calm during uncertain and communicate, "I don't know exactly what will happen, but I know we'll figure it out."

Focus on building a relationship where your child is confident that you will be there to support them through hard times. You can provide reassurance of your love for them, something that you do have control over. “No matter what happens, I love you. When you have a problem I’ll help you figure it out.”

Over time, the confidence you have in them and the confidence you build through your relationship will grow.