How to help children feel safe after traumatic events
Like many moms in Minnesota this week I was devastated to hear of another school shooting. For many parents tomorrow is the day their children will returning for the new school year, and many of these children have spent the last week seeing and hearing the fear in our community.
Children shouldn’t have to experience gun violence.
The United States has the highest rates of school shootings and gun violence compared to similar countries. Gun violence is the leading cause of death for children and teens in our country. I know how hard and scary it is to continue to see this scenario play out time and time again. Many of you, myself included, feel absolutely gutted when we look at the face of our children and imagine the unthinkable happen. Parenting is hard enough with out living with the fear of losing a child in a school shooting.
Talking about school shootings and tragedy with your kids.
It is appropriate to talk to your children about tragic events in age appropriate ways. If they are asking questions do not lie to them, this will only decrease feelings of safety and trust. The goal is to have conversations that help your children feel safe talking about uncomfortable topics with you. Ask them about what they feel, acknowledge our own feelings and emotions, and discuss what steps you take to keep them safe at home and out in the world. Talk about how to helpers and adults they can go to if they ever feel unsafe. The goal is not to tell your child that nothing bad will every happen, we can’t guarantee that, but rather to instill a sense of safety in your relationship with them and to feel confident in their ability to find adults who can support them.
Tips to help children feel safe
When children are upset you will need to use your presence to calm them. This is called co-regulation. Read more about co-regulation here and how to do it here.
Be present. Provide extra time together. This can help soothe some initial fear and anxiety.
Listen to their fears. Listen not to solve the problem, but to validate and connect.
Do not lie when asked about what has happened. Children can tell when you are lying, it is better to talk about what happened honestly in age appropriate ways. You don’t want them to seek out answers from bad sources.
Be consistent in routine and schedule. Adhering to a normal routine and schedule helps create predictability, which helps create feelings of safety.
Monitor online exposure. While monitoring your children’s online activity is a good idea all the time, be careful of the news they are exposed to after a tragedy.
Talk about mental health. If mental health is a topic that is discussed without stigma and taboo in your house it will be easier for your children to ask for help when they need it.
Watch for changes in behavior. Changes in behavior or mood could indicate that your child is struggling and needs support.
Take a break from the news. There is a fine line between being informed and harming your mental health by immersing yourself in unhelpful ways. Set a good example of caring for yourself for your children.
Seek support. If you are feeling anxious and afraid reach out to a therapist for support. A therapist can make the parenting journey less lonely. If your child is showing some extra fear, anxiety, or seems to be struggling, reach out for support for them as well.
