Co-Regulation between parents and children
Co-Regulation Between Parents and Children
Regulating ourselves means keeping our nervous system calm and relaxed, even when exposed to stress. Children don’t have good control over their nervous system. This is why a seemingly minor thing can lead to a melt down of massive proportions. For a child, misplacing a toy or not getting a snack on demand may feel like the end of the world. As adults, we can use logic and reason to understand a small set back, so what feels very big to our child likely feels very minor to us. But if we reflect, we can recall a time we felt sadness so strongly that it took over our body. It’s not that your child doesn’t understand “no”, it’s that in that moment a host of emotions is taking over their body.
Good news! Children can learn how to regulate themselves. This regulation happens through the parent-child relationship in a process called co-regulation. When a child is dysregulated it is the parents’ job to approach their dysregulation, not with anger and frustration, but with a sense of calm and empathy. If the parent can stay grounded in calmness and empathy, their child will be able to calm their nervous system and “borrow calm” from the parent. Through this process, something that could have been a 10 minute melt down, can be settled with a couple minutes of empathy and connection.
If you have a child who is quick to big emotions, is often in a state of dysregulation, and takes a long time to calm down, here are some parenting tips to help with co-regulation.
Root yourself in empathy. You may not understand why they are upset, but you know what it feels like to be upset.
Get on their level. Talking down to them from up above will only increase dysregulation.
Use a soft voice. A stern, loud, or firm voice will not create a sense of control, just increase dysregulation. A soft voice will help them quiet so they can connect.
Don’t focus on problem solving, when a child is dysregulated logic won’t reach them. Once they have regulated you can help them solve the problem.
Focus on connection, empathy, and care. Your interactions with them when you are providing co-regulation should make them feel seen, heard, and less alone.
Breathe! Remember, you must be regulated to regulate them. Make sure you take deep breaths, focus on being present in your body, and be aware of your physical state.
