Specifics on how to talk about school shootings: an age breakdown
school shootings: necessary to talk about
After my blog post yesterday about helping children feel safe after school shootings or traumatic events, I realized a lot of parents want to know specifically what to say. While you know your own child and their cognitive capabilities and maturity the best, it can be helpful to have some concrete examples of what to say.
aN aGE rELATED bREAKDOWN
The goal of the conversation is different age by age. With the youngest children the goal is to establish a feeling of safety while providing brief and honest details. As children age the goal changes. The goal with elementary school children is to establish safety, clear up any misunderstandings, and provide specifics on your family and school works to keep them safe. As children become tweens, teens, and young adults the conversation has more room for abstract thinking, systems level problem solving, and focusing on action.
PRESCHOOL TO EARLY ELEMENTARY AGE
“There was a shooting inside a school. People were hurt, but it is over now.”
“Many people help keep you safe, mom, dad, your teachers, and your grandparents.”
“Many people were very brave. The teachers protected their students and people helped their friends be safe.”
eLEMENTARY sCHOOL aGE
“There was a shooting at a school. Some people died and some people were badly injured.”
“We may never know why they did it. Some people have problems with their mind that can make them make bad choices and do bad things”
“There are a lot of ways we keep you safe. At school you’ll practice what to do if there is danger. At home mom and dad will protect you and we will have a family plan for what to do if there is ever danger”
mIDDLE SCHOOL TO HIGH SCHOOL AGE
“Let’s talk about the shooting that happened today. How are you feeling? What do you know?”
“I’m scared too and I’m angry that this keeps happening. I want you to live in a country that is safe”
“No, there was just one shooter and he shot himself as the police arrived” (Correct any mistakes, be factual and honest)
“I want to help too. Let’s think of ways we can support the families who are hurting right now”
“What do you think needs to happen to keep people safe? How can our laws better protect people? Let’s find a way to get involved” (Older children may benefit from thinking of action steps they can take)
“I want you to know that if you ever feel scared or angry or hurt you can always talk to me and we will figure it out together”
Parenting reminders
Remember that your children establish a sense of safety and regulation through their interactions with you.
Take deep breaths and calm your body down before engaging in these conversations, it is okay for your children to see you have emotions, but we want to focus on regulation.
You know your child best. Provide details that are appropriate for their age and personal development.
Help children identify who they can go to for help. Talk about safe people, helpers in the community, and what to do if they ever feel afraid.
Talk about firearm safety and what to do if they ever find a gun. Practice firearm safety in your own home.
Make mental health a priority. Model to your children the importance of taking care of your mental health and normalize seeking out help when you are struggling.
