Asking for help and getting support
Asking for help seems like a simple thing to do. In theory all you need to do is say “help me.” Yet, so many people struggle with getting help because they don’t know how to ask for it. Support is there, but sometimes it feels just out of reach.
Why is asking for help hard?
Many of us struggle to ask for help because in the past we have had experiences where we felt let down and unsupported. It makes sense that after those experiences we would stop asking for help.
Experiences that have hurt, not helped
Asking for help and the person doesn’t come through.
Getting help with unknown strings attached.
Asking for help and hearing “no”.
Being shamed for needing help.
Getting the help that someone thinks you need instead of what you do need.
For others, asking for help is hard because it comes coupled with beliefs we have gathered over the years, messages from our parents, our partners, and from our culture. These beliefs block us from reaching out for help when we need it.
Common blocking beliefs
I don’t want to burden others.
I got myself into this mess, I need to get myself out.
I am responsible for solving all of my problems.
My friends/family/partner are busy and don’t have time for this.
Asking for help is a sign of weakness
If you find yourself resonating with some of these messages it might be time to dive into how you developed these messages and identify ways of challenging beliefs that don’t support you.
And finally, sometimes asking for help is hard because you just don’t know how to communicate your needs. Knowing how to clearly and directly ask for help can get you the support you need.
Tips for asking for help
State what you need clearly.
Instead of: “I’m feeling so overwhelmed with all I need to do”
Try: “I’m struggling to get caught up, can you help me by bringing dinner”
Be clear if you want someone to listen or to problem solve.
Listen: “I’m really struggling, can I tell you what’s going on, I just need you to listen”
Problem solve: “I’m not sure if I want to stay at my job, can you talk through my options with me?”
Challenge unhelpful beliefs. If you find yourself stopping yourself asking for help, pause, and identify what thought is contributing.
Accept help when it is offered. Building a community of support where members offer and accept help makes it easier to ask for help in the future.
You deserve help
Remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength and self compassion. Everyone deserves to be supported, cared for, and to have a village.
