Why isn’t my child motivated? How can i support them?
A lot of parents tell me that they are worried that their child isn’t internally motivated to do much of anything. And I’m here to tell you, it’s going to be okay.
Parents often get caught up on the concept of “internal motivation” or the ideal that their children should want to do something without being rewarded because it is the right thing to do. And when their children aren’t internally motivated, they only do things because of external motivation (like a screen time reward, money, or avoiding punishment), parents start to get a little bit worried that they are raising an unmotivated kid who won’t be successful. Good news, this isn’t the case!
A mom and her daughter look at homework together
What is motivation?
Motivation is what drives us to start and follow through on tasks. When parents worry “my child isn’t motivated,” it’s often a misunderstanding of how motivation works.
There are two types: internal motivation and external motivation. Internal motivation comes from within, it builds on interest in the task, curiosity, or a sense of pride in doing something. External motivation comes from outside factors, like rewards, consequences, or praise.
If your child isn’t internally motivated, it doesn’t mean they can’t be. It’s developmentally normal for things like homework and chores to rely on external motivation. Those tasks often aren’t interesting to them so there has to be some system in place to get them to engage.
We all require external motivation
It’s unfair of us to expect our kids to be internally motivated to do their school work or chores when external motivation is driving most of our behavior.
Most of us only go to work because we need a paycheck. Even those of us who love our jobs, don’t have the time or resources to be motivated to do it for free. Our pay checks are what allows us to afford housing, food, children, and entertainment. We go to work because we are motivated by our payment.
If your child only does their chores because they get an allowance or they get screen time, that’s okay. They’re learning a valuable lesson about how the world works, for better or for worse, that is the system that we are in.
The areas of the brain that are required for future planning and thinking ahead are not fully developed in adolescence and childhood.
You may understand the value of education or see it as a way to further yourself, or know the good feeling of learning something new, but your children’ can’t connect to these feelings as easily as you do. Adolescents are thinking a few hours out from right now, they aren’t tying together the idea that if they do well in math, they can get into a good college, get a scholarship, and maybe land themselves in a career they enjoy and are rewarded for (externally!) monetarily. They are able to connect the idea that if they get their math homework done they get 30 minutes of screen time, and that’s normal for their developing brains.
How do I build my kid’s internal motivation?
Parents can support their children in building internal motivation by helping them connect the things you want them to do to their interests, values, or sense of purpose.
This is slow moving work but most people build internal motivation over time. There are several things that parents can do to help their children become internally motivated.
tIPS FOR HELPING YOUR CHILD BUILD INTERNAL MOTIVATION
Support a sense of autonomy by offering them choices. When we are making the choice to do something it fosters a sense of pride.
Focus on task, the effort put into it, and not the outcome. Praise them for working hard on the assignment, not getting an A on it.
Set achievable goals. If you require your child to get straight A’s but they are barely getting D’s, you’re setting them up to fail. Keep goals achievable so they can feel a sense of accomplishment and raise the bar over time.
Find ways for them to be successful and connected in a variety of settings. Repeatedly feeling connected, successful, and having a sense of fun will lead to more engagement.
Use rewards sparingly, focus them on the times that really matter or the tasks that are really challening.
Model what you want to see. Let them see you work hard at something to achieve an outcome.
HOw do i help my child achieve their goals and be successful?
Long story short, let go of the idea that children should be internally motivated to do hard tasks, focus on rewarding efforts, and setting them up for success. Internal motivation builds over time and parents can support this through helping foster good self esteem and providing support.
