Creating a Trauma informed holiday celebration

Trauma and Holidays

For many adoptive or foster children, and for those with histories of trauma, the holidays can be a hard time. Children with trauma struggle to stay regulated when things are chaotic, loud, and out of routine, all the hallmarks of a holiday celebration. While parents often try to support their children with routine, schedules, and calming presences, these things quickly start to slip during the holidays. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just par for the season. School is out, family is in town, many fun events mean late nights, and parents are stressed as they juggle all the duties of the season.

If you’re a parent and you’re bracing for the blows you have experienced in Christmases past, here are some tips and considerations for creating a trauma informed holiday.

tIPS FOR A TRAUMA INFORMED HOLIDAY

These tips can support all children and families! Though the impact of the holiday hustle and bustle may be more of a struggle for children with trauma, all children can get a little out of sorts with changes to routine.

• Plan ahead: Children do better when they know what to expect. Use visual calendars, give reminders, and talk about changes that are going to happen.

• Be prepared: Even with your best efforts, it is likely that there may be some kind of emotional dysregulation. Have a plan in place for how to support your children, especially if you are not in your home.

• Focus on time with family: Family get togethers are the time to let go of things that you may normally enforce in order to keep the calm. You deserve to have a good time too and to celebrate with your loved ones.

  • Choose your battles around food carefully. Holiday celebrations often have food that is not eaten during the rest of the year. Other’s may be preparing dishes that are unfamiliar or made by different people. Food is often a way children can exert control to ease their anxiety.

    • It’s okay if all your children want to eat are dinner rolls, cheese, and potatoes. Thanksgiving dinner may not be the time to encourage new food.

    • If your child really struggles with food and you are traveling away from home consider bringing a packed lunch with safe foods for them.

    • If your child refuses to eat at a family dinner, don’t push it. You can feed them later or before you go.

  • Hold realistic expectations about engagement with family.

    • Allow yourself to enjoy time with your family, and remember that your children may feel differently: Parents are often excited to see their cousins, aunts and uncles they only see once a year. But for children, these people are strangers.

      • Don’t force your children to chat with or hug relatives. Allow them to make choices about how they engage. Focus on polite but brief interactions when you choose.

      • For children who have more intense struggles, allow them space. If they want to sit alone in a room and read, consider allowing it, their intent is not to be rude, but to feel safe. You spend time catching up and enjoying your family. The holiday’s are for you too.

• Have a designated calm, quiet, and safe place for your child.

  • Allow your child to spend time in their room or a quiet area. Let them play with their toys, read books, listen to music, and do things that are comforting to them.

  • If you are traveling out of town, consider talking to your host ahead of time about having a space available for them.

• Talk to family ahead of time about needs: Often times parents are worried that their children’s withdrawing, refusing to eat certain foods, or not seeming interested in being at the event, will hurt someone’s feelings. Children are not responsible for the emotions of adults. Your job as a parent is to protect and support them, not to manage the reactions of other adults.

  • If you are really concerned about this, consider reaching out ahead of time to talk with family members. Give them a brief response about how the holidays are hard for your child and that you’ve had to make choices to help them feel safe and calm.

• Consider an alcohol free holiday: When adults drink they often behave differently, even the adults that they know to be safe can be louder and this unpredictability is scary.

  • If this is your house, remember you get the final say, people can choose to comply or stay home. If you are traveling elsewhere, remember you have the ability to say no to coming and set boundaries for you and your family.

How to Holiday Handout

If you are interested in a condensed PDF version of this you can access that here. This is a great resource to share with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and others who may be attending your celebrations.

Remember, the holidays may look differently than what you expect, and that’s okay. Find ways to enjoy time together and use the tips above to support you. Happy Thanksgiving, merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, and happy holidays!